For the past year one of my deepest prayers has been to be able to find my heart in Narnia once more… I need to elaborate on this a bit before I can move on. The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis is one of my most favorite book series. And through this brilliant writing and Lewis’ brilliant mind, I’ve come to discover a deeper love through my sweet Savior and my loving, faithful, steadfast Father. The story is so simple, yet so complex even for the most genius minds because of its simplicity. It tells of love, so rich, so deep, and so true, that no human (or fantasy creature) can contain it; they can only obtain pieces of it. But those pieces bring a Romance so beautiful that they can never move past it. They always long for it, can never get enough of it. They want Aslan, who in the story represents Jesus, to simply be in His presence, to experience His love and wildness, to just hear to hear His sweet name and the stories told of Him. Through this depiction I’ve seen just how wild, lovely, just, and boundless my Savior really is. I’ve come to love Him deeper and to experience Him deeper than I could have ever imagined.
Sadly, within this past year, I’ve begun to lose sight of that… to the point that I no longer worship Him, but perfection. The few who know my story will easily understand this. For others, just know that with this obsession, my life has been nothing of what it used to be. I am not who I was before. Before I loved fiercely, gave selflessly, and allowed my heart to be so enveloped in my Jesus that I was truly and deeply in love with Him. And I shamfully, but mercifully, say that perfection became my god. Not my God. And for almost a year and a half I’ve battled with this. But slowly, very slowly, I’m beginning to realize this fact. And once I did, that’s when my prayer began to be in my Narnia, my secret place, with my Father once more.
I’ve just stepped out of the wardrobe…
I’m in my Narnia again. Through those I love, through the community I’ve become part of, through my deep love for God that refuses to allow me to fully turn away from Him again. Like Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy, the farther I was from Narnia, the more miserable i was and the more I longed to be there again. And now I’m here… Finally.
And what amazes me so incredibly much about this fact is that prior to my obsession I had become so in love with my Savior that no matter how far I walked, no matter how much I allowed myself to worship the false idol I have been pursuing, no matter how much I allowed myself to love it, I could not shake off my true Love, my real Love. The One who loved me before He ever created the foundations of the Earth. The One who has endlessly pursued me through the deepest trials regardless of my choice. My sweet, sweet Father and His sweet, sweet Son. I have found a romance so deep and so rich that I cannot escape it. My heart refuses to let it go, no matter how much my mind and body try to do so. His love is too deep. He paid too high of a cost to let me go. And it took me leaving the familiarity of my stale room behind to pursue the wonderous unknown. To let my own hopes and wants go to pursue His wants and dreams for me.
Because, in it all, I can’t outdream Him. And I am not contain’d between my hat and my boots.