30-Day Blog Challenge: Day Five


A time you thought about ending your own life.

The only time I have EVER actually thought about ending my life, I had begun taking birth control, three months before Matthew and I were getting married.

The birth control was the generic form of Ortho-Tri-Cyclen. Suicidal ideation is not common (at all) in most women who take the birth control. (Actually, birth control generally helps women who suffer from Depression.) However, I guess with the plethra of medications that have come to find out that I’m allergic to or have adverse side effects from, birth control is no exception. In 2008, I was diagnosed with Depression, as well as Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (extreme perfectionism). I was prescribed Citalopram (generic Celexa) to treat the disorders. Both my psychiatrist and OB-GYN were not familiar with birth control causing suicidal ideations; however, were not closed-minded to the possibility. They both explained that all bodies react differently to all medications, and suicidal ideations could have been caused by the birth control I had begun taking.

So, the experience of actually having suicidal thoughts. I had only been taking the birth control for two weeks, and the thoughts came toward the end of that two weeks. One afternoon I was lying in bed, completely exhausted for no reason, and out of nowhere I began thinking “What’s the point with my life?” “What’s the point in living?” Almost immediately after having those thoughts I realized something was wrong. Big time WRONG. I called both my mom and my then-fiance, now-husband Matthew to let them know what was going on. They both agreed that I should stop the birth control. IMMEDIATELY. The remainder of the evening and night, I just slept. By the next 24 hours, after taking the last birth control pill, I felt completely better. I had energy. I could get out of bed. I was HAPPY. It was the strangest sensation. Like a light switch had been flipped in my mind and body.

I contacted my then-physician and explained the symptoms I had been experiencing the past two weeks (the increase in Depressive symptoms and physical exhaustion) and the suicidal ideations that occurred the night before.

Since then, I have tried once more to take the birth control, thinking the side effects may have been just an initial reaction. But, after taking the medication for only two days, I began feeling the increasing Depressive symptoms. Matthew and I agreed the birth control was just not worth the possibility that I may have another episode of suicidal ideations. We just agreed that if we had a baby, we would have a baby. And a baby did come… one month after getting married we found out we were pregnant with Elisha. We were SO excited.

Elisha at 6 weeks. (He’s the little speck at the top of the uterus.)

13 weeks pregnant.
37 weeks pregant.

Now, we’re just super careful to avoid another pregnancy. I’ve considered other non-hormone/low hormone forms of birth control. But it’s simply not worth it to me. There are too many other non-risky forms of birth control that we can use that will not cause crazy suicidal thoughts.

I just appreciate life a little too much. :)


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