I just wanna be okay… be okay today.

As most of you have come to know, from November to August, I’ve been dealing with loss. Great loss. November, my Daddy died suddenly due to cardiac arrest, liver/kidney failure, and pancreatitis. August, I lost my second child at 9-weeks pregnant. In addition to that, I’ve been six months at a new job, stressed beyond stressed with finances, raising a precious (but very much rambunctious) nine-month-old, and in the phase of marriage where Matthew and I aren’t so much in “puppy love” anymore.

Did I mention I’ve been diagnosed with Depression and OCD?

Now, before I go any further, this blog isn’t me throwing a pity party for myself. I am blessed absolutely beyond measure, and I thank and praise my Abba Father daily for where I am in life and for His steadfast love and grace bestowed upon me daily.

But, life is hard… VERY hard, right now…

And I had no idea it could be read all over me. Until yesterday, when my LBSW supervisor met me for our weekly supervision/meeting.

The first thing he asks me is, “Have you been feeling depressed lately?” I look at him for a few seconds, then the words start pouring from my mouth. And I hadn’t realized it until he brought it to my attention, but yes. I have in fact been in a depressive funk lately. And I’m not even sure when it began…

And, I’m almost sure it’s not postpartum… Simply because I hate being away from Elisha; and when I am, all I really think about is getting back to him. (Cheesy, right?)

But seriously, the biggest thing he brought to my attention is that I need to accept the fact that I’m not okay right now. That I don’t necessarily have to deal with it all today, but eventually, I need to figure out how to deal with and heal from it all. And I need to be comfortable with the fact that life isn’t always going to be roses every day. That there are going to be days that are more difficult than others. And in order to heal and cope, I need to learn to take care of myself. Not just give and give and give myself 24/7 to preoccupy myself and compartmentalize it all. I need to learn to give myself time to deal and to be okay with the fact that I DO need to take time for myself in order to heal.

So my admission here: right now, I’m not really that okay.

But I’m okay with that. Or learning how to be okay with the fact that I’m trying to figure out how to be okay again.


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